until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
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Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
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Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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