so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
