Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
