Soap is not a condiment
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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