please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
