woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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