i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
