my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
