had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
