I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
