Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
