Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
