I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
