Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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