Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
