god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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