he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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