I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
