You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
