i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Even the bartender felt bad for me
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
