I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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