this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
