masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
