I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
