I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
