well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
NoShamevember. You game?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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