could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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