Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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