Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
