He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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