I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
