What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
