absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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