my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Everclear isn't food dammit
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
