i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
