I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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