did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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