I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You dont lie about slip and slides
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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