so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"