Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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