Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
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