remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
