I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
