I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i out mim tonsoeep
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