So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.