gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.