I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial