It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
