I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
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he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
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I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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