You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the day after is always just damage control
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
