I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
please come you make the beer taste better
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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