It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
