walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
