I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
