guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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