No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
