does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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